Found: Office keys. Time lost: 12 days. (Likely longer, but that is the tally of the number of days I actually spent looking for them.)
Also found: Entire calendar on iPhone, which magically reappeared. Time lost: 3 weeks.
Lost: Login to two totally different work accounts (because obviously losing the login info to just one work account would be manageable.)
Lesson learned: I should retire. Or have someone else manage all work-related aspects of my life.